Thursday, July 20, 2017

A story about wedding gifts…

Guys have it easy.  This is the perk of being a guy.  You just show up on your lady's arm and make her look good.  

I  have been to a little over 879 weddings so I have a system.  I NEVER VEER from the registry.  They put that together so you won’t get them stupid crap they don’t need from a garage sale. 

This genius list is in TIERS.  Fancy huh? 

Tier 4 – Cash money/gift cards to store on their registry – Just think of it as good fellas, get a card, put some money it.  You don’t have time to shop, and no bride and groom are going to turn down money or gift cards.  This is the half ass approach and you are too busy traveling and having a good life. [You aren’t a jerk – you got them something]  However, if you think $25.00 makes you look cheap, getting a gift can always be cheaper depending on what you get, plus people like opening presents… (SIDEBAR: I LOVE OPENING PRESENTS!!  So go ahead and surprise me) See Tier 3.

Tier 3 – Bathroom Supplies – $25.00 and below.  This gift is reserved for a wedding that you don’t really want to go, or you don’t like the bride or groom all that much, but you found out there is an open bar.  Perhaps some of your fun friends are going.  You don’t want to spend too much money, so you get them, a tooth brush holder, soap dish and like 2 wash clothes.  Don’t exceed $25.00.  [This works perfectly if they are registered at Target]

Tier 2 – Kitchen Supplies - $25.00 - $50.00.  This gift is reserved to people you used to like but aren’t in your friend squad or Top 5.  You will probably catch up with people and have a decent time, and naturally, there should be an open bar.  [This works perfectly if they are registered at Pottery Barn or Williams Sonoma – I once bought an ice cream scoop and napkin rings, didn’t exceed 25.00 and called it a day, plus I still received a thank you note in the mail]

Tier 1 – Bedding and Towels - $50.00 - $100.00+  This gift is reserved for people who are 1) your family or 2) your friend squad or Top 5.  The money doesn’t matter as much  because you actually like these people and are happy for them and are not taking bets while in the chapel on a possible future divorce date…  This is when you pull out the goods and get them big fluffy bath towels or bedding like sheets with 1000 thread count.   [This is where you go to Macy’s or Dillard’s or somewhere good]

Go forth and send that RSVP back. The End.

39 and holding

Once upon a time, I turned 39 this year.  39...

I remember 29, my glory year.  A trip to Vegas with my girlfriends and a great celebration at a Piano friends wore all black.  Then I finally noticed.  Assholes.  It was memorable.  I also remember clinging to 29.  30 seemed old.  They even had a show, 30-Somethings.  I didn't watch it, but I remember it.  Maybe because I was 9 years old at the time...30 was old...

But alas, 39 might be worse.  I don't want to be 40 or 41 through 49...My 30's were awesome, contrary to what I thought it would be like.  You really find out who you are in your 30's, but with fewer mistakes.  You know what I learned best, the word, "NO!"  No, I am not going to another baby shower (you had one with your first kid - and that is all you get in my book), instead I am sending a gift off the registry.  (SIDEBAR:  Never veer from the registry.)  Don't be that person.  In my 20's, I said, "YES" to everything.
You want to go to happy hour?  Yes.
Do you want to go to a concert when it is 105 degrees outside?  Yes.
Do you want to buy stuff you don't need?  Yes.
Do you want to go to a baby shower? Yes.

I wore my damn self out with Yes.  I couldn't say no.  I wanted to go to everything, see everything and do everything, and I was going to fit it ALL in.

When I look back, it makes me laugh.  Now, I am like nope - I went to happy hour yesterday.  No, it's too damn hot.  No, I don't need new crap.  No, I am sending a gift.  NO, NO, NO.

I know what you are thinking.  This is one bitter chick.  It's not the case.  I consider myself a happy person.  Now, would I like all the stars in my life to align?  Sure, who doesn't?  It never happens that way.  So now, I am in my 30's, my job is great.  Did you hear that?  I am shocked too.  Maybe it is because I am not the youngest, and I am not the oldest, I am in the sweet spot.  I can speak up now. But still not like my dad or anyone else 55 and older.  That will be my next phase.  I can shoot my damn mouth off and if they don't like it, I will up and retire.  55, and I am out!!!  I don't have that luxury just yet.  I don't want to make any career ending moves...My top 5 doesn't believe I will stop working.  I can't wait until they are WRONG!

OK, now to the good part.  At work, we got a new analyst on our account.  Here are the sad and shocking stats:

His nickname is Bambi (given by me)
This is his first job out of college
He lives with his parents
He has no wrinkles or gray hair
He does not get my movie quotes, which is heartbreaking
He can eat ANYTHING and not gain weight.  *more on that later...
He wants to change the world
He likes everyone
He is probably smarter than I was at 23
He was 1993.  FREAKING 1993.  A tear rolls down my face when I do the math and realize I was 16.  How did this happen?  Literally, I was the youngest in my industry...Not anymore.

Bambi can eat a large cup of ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery, every.damn.night.

He went home for the week and lost weight.  I had to refrain from choking him out...  I am trying to make it to Shark week so I can have a small ice cream.  His day is coming...Just wait until his pants don't fit.  Dress pants aren't cheap my friends...

The morale of this is that I don't want to turn 40.  The End.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

2016 in Review (I was busy!)

Once upon a time, I guess I had a busy 2016.  So this is the dating recap edition.  Consider it like the show Entertainment Tonight - is that even on?

So...I gave up dating FOREVER or for most of the year of 2016.  I completely got off all dating websites.  I did go on a couple dates in the spring of 2016, in St. Louis as a matter of fact, but naturally, I found the guy who didn't have it together.  Are you surprised?  You shouldn't be!  I have a trackers beam for that...Prior to our date - his car didn't start.  Honestly, I am a girl that believes in the cup being half full, but that day may soon be coming to an end.  Instead of thinking oh, I am sure it's just a dead battery...I SHOULD be thinking, cancel this freaking date - RED FLAG!!!  As I say that, 2017 is a new year and well although I had a long break, I figured if I don't try, I shouldn't be complaining.  SIDEBAR - but seriously, can a girl get some recommendations from her friends?

So I read up on some dating sites and honestly, I feel like I may have tried them all.  Some of you may think - well it's you.  WRONG - as Donald Trump would say!  Dating is a numbers game plain and simple...or you can settle.  Here is a short recap of my opinion on dating sites:

Christian Mingle: If you want to find a man here, you better be living at a church or at least attending services on Wednesdays, Fridays and twice on Sundays.  I believe in GOD, and I am not weird.

EHarmony:  This website is just hard to navigate or it was last time I looked at it.  I did meet the Stage 5 Clinger on here, and that was about it.  I do know 2 other people who found their soulmates on this site, so it works for some.

POF (Plenty of Fish):  I went through a phase of not paying for stuff and wound up here.  I met someone, who in my opinion, wasted 1 year and 7 months of my life.  He couldn't hold down a job, he had no savings plan, and he tried to take my spirit.  Thank goodness for self-esteem.

OK Cupid:  I met a guy here too - he was a hipster that lived in Dallas.  He took me on an awesome first date and this place that overlooked the city.  Man, I was so excited.  He dressed nice, had something to say.  Then, he cooked me dinner in his 1 bedroom apartment...and I then got the whole story...He can stay and gentrify that area without me. I have tried this a couple times.  I always get the weird guy.  I went to Plano for a date at Seasons 52, before knowing this guy looked nothing like his picture, was in his 50's, and this restaurant is for card-carrying AARP members.  Oh and he was late and drank bud light.  I did learn some valuable lessons on this one - I am not driving past Grapevine.  I am not driving in a monsoon past Grapevine.  If you are 15 minutes late - I am just walking out.  I am not waiting.  I am leaving.  I don't care if this makes me a bitch.  My time is valuable and I could be spending it with people I like.

Bumble: So I read about this one from @crazyjewishmom on Instagram.  This crazy mom is always trying to set up her daughter and get her to have kids.  So the hook is that you match with some dudes, and you can swipe right or left.  Then the woman makes contact and then you can go from there.  Listen - I can only ask so many questions.  I am a strong, independent woman, but at the same time old fashioned in that I would like the guy to ask me to go out.  Is that so hard to ask?  I mean, I am daring and would most likely say yes.  I mean I don't have to marry anyone after one date unless I am on a reality show...Wait, I should probably be on a reality show...

Hater: So my lovely Italian friend found this one in a twitter article and said I should try it, and you know I was like yep - I am on it.  The premise is to swipe on what you hate vs what you like.  You match with people by a percentage.  It is like finding love by having in common what you hate.  I am pretty sure my soulmate hates: crocs, the word M---- (you know I don't even like to write it), sitting on the same side of the booth at a restaurant, mornings, and those are just a few...My friend is convinced this will be my happily ever after.

So basically the only ones I have left are OUR TIME, which might work out since I am currently working in Florida in God's waiting room.  I mean I could Anna Nicole it and find a rich man with a yacht!  There is JDate, which is for people who are Jewish and I am not.  There is Zoosk, which I don't really know much about....

Well that is your recap.  Enjoy!

The End.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Part Duex

Once upon a time, I has a pretty good date with this guy.  We will call him Jason Bourne.  He speaks 6 languages.  French, German, and like 4 more.  Plus he is like a black belt in Jujitsu and craw magraw, or whatever it is.  Regardless, he probably knows the "judo chop."   On top of that, he has a Ph.D.  Yesterday, he told me it was from Germany and first response was, does it even count?  I know, I am terrible.  He was also an Army Ranger.  All of which, he has accomplished by 32.  After hearing all that, I had to give myself a pep talk.  Ironically, today, I read an article online about how one should not compare themselves to others even though it is basically human nature.  Well that article came 1 day too late.  I realize we have different experiences and all that, but dang.

Fast forward to the conversation that happened last night.  We are chatting about this and that, and he was telling me about sparring with this guy at the gym and I was telling him about some work drama. So then the topic moves to football and he says, we should watch the Tech vs OU game this weekend.  I can come over to your house and cook Carolina BBQ.  Ex-squeeze me, a baking powder? I immediately blurted out, what not at your house?  But in my mind, I was like, um, this would be like our second date...He said well, I don't have a TV.  Am I in the Twilight Zone?  Is it 2015?  Who doesn't have a TV?  My mind was racing.  He then asks if I like spicy BBQ or sweet, and if anyone knows me, it's sweet.  Spicy reeks havoc on my body the next day.  My friend with the silky smooth hair used to be my spicy food tester at lunch.  She saved me many a day of stomach deterioration.  So while he is telling me the ingredients, I am off thinking:

Who is purchasing these ingredients?  Who is preparing this?  Do I have any propane and propane accessories?  I would have to clean the house.  I am not doing dishes!  What kind of BBQ?  Will there be beer to accompany this BBQ?

Fast forward to the weekend.  So on Friday, he calls and I am not available, So later he texts me and says, what are your plans after hockey?  Well it was a birthday party for my friend with silky smooth hair.  I mean, the BBQ idea was gone and now he is calling to see if I am available the next day. Sometimes on a fluke I am available, but usually not.  Sunday is my free and chill day.

Fast forward to yesterday.  I talk to him and he tells me he is going "across the pond" as he puts it to go fight people in Europe.  For 3 weeks.  Alrighty...

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Gold Status

Once upon a time, I got a new job.  Well it's not that new anymore,  but I am only 7 months in.  This job requires travel, which I am perfectly fine with.  I've been traveling to...wait for it...Oklahoma City.  If you haven't been here, but you have been to Texas, it's about the same, only smaller.  A big focus seems to be the perks of travel (according to my colleagues) and this is the part when I tell you that I have reached GOLD status at the Marriott. 

I have almost 100,000 points already.  With a Marriott credit card and 3 nights a week in a Marriott for the last 12 weeks,  you accumulate points pretty quickly.  I think I get free internet access now too.  I am almost to GOLD on American Airlines.  I don't know what perk that is going to get me, other than boarding before the commoners.  I literally live in the back of a plane.  It has made me extremely patient when de-boarding.  I mean, you can't really plow to the front, although I have imagined it in my mind.  I have a learned a few things while working in Oklahoma.  People like you to ask how their weekend was.  They like friendly people, which I typically am.  The mullet hasn't left.  I saw a woman with tennis shoes on with pantyhose and flash-backed to the 80's.  When I first arrived, I was pretty much hoping to meet a rich oil man who would allow me to live the life of leisure, similar to my mom.  Alas, I did meet an MMA fighter, who looks like "The Thing" from the fantastic 4 made of all rock.  Sadly, he has a girlfriend.  This said girlfriend has 4 children.  The hunt, he is basically the boss of me.  He reminds me a little of Vin Diesel, and hence that is what I shall call him, Vin, to protect the innocent, plus he is a lot more intelligent.  

However, if he pulls up in a muscle car, I know I would die laughing on the street, especially if he ever recites the following, "I don't have friends, I have family," or "I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters, not the mortgage, not the store,  not my team, and all their bullshit,  For those 10 seconds or less, I am free."  That would totally be fine if I were 23.  The most amusing part, was when someone here at the client site spotted us doing something suspicious such as walking, talking, attending meetings and eating lunch.  We weren't inter-locking arms and drinking champagne flutes in the food court, although that would make my afternoon fly by if we did.  This mystery person told Vin's girlfriend.  You know what I felt?  Absolutely no guilt.  I have not crossed any line, except maybe buying him a brass knuckle mug as a thank you.  Regardless, we aren't planning a trip to a bed and breakfast.  

So back at the ranch, (my house), I have decided to take up dating again.  It sounds like a hobby doesn't it?  Do you feel like this is a revolving door?  Yea, me too, and it's my life.  My running buddy, gave me some advice and it was to try.  Maybe she happened to have good timing, because that weekend, I signed up for, and then a few weeks later, Coffee Meets Bagel, and then Tinder.  I figured I might as well hit it hard.  Go big or go home as they say.  I think this was in like June.  Fast forward to October when I actually get some dudes in the queue.  It takes time to fill a pipeline or it takes me time to fill a pipeline.  So I meet one guy on Coffee Meets Bagel.  He is a teacher that looks crazy.  His crazy, is what I found amusing and flattery will get you everywhere with me.  So he texted me and then texted me some more.  That is the conclusion of this story.  That's all she wrote.  Text messaging.  Then, it just stopped.  I tried.  I did.  But at this point, I really need someone to make an effort with me.  A time, a place, a plan for crying out-loud.   When I make an effort, it seems like I am the only one making the effort, and I am plum worn out.  Maybe my typical, I am all in, is what is sabotaging my relationships.  Maybe I just need to be harder to get. So Bagel has missed the boat with me.  If he were to text me again, I might even text back, "who dis?"  I am tempted, really tempted.  

Onto the next guy, he showed promise early on.  He has a similar job to me, where he travels during the week.  It has to do with some hospital equipment and wiring.  Literally, he has talked about it to me for several hours of my life and I am still not sure exactly what he does.  It also appears he works with less than competent people.   Some of the perks in the beginning included that he seemed financially sound.  He even bought some land on Lake Texoma...for his art supplies.  Imagine a car screeching to a stop.  Art supplies?  What?  Next question, do you like sports, specifically hockey?  No...a little part of me died that day.  If you know me, then you know I need a guy's guy.  The perks started to fade for me.  Add the following: his brother lives with him because he is divorced, he is 47, which is 10 whole years older than me, and his voice reminds me of a character from the Simpsons.  I am not trying to be mean, but once the voice is in your head, it's in your head.  Fast forward, he asks me to dinner.  I say yes.  I made myself a rule of you can go on one damn date Diana.  One date won't kill you.  Fast forward to said date.  I hardheartedly put forth first date effort.  I curled my hair, put my face on, and did not pick out jeans.  SIDEBAR: Once upon a time, I assumed the date would be jeans worthy (back in college) and I failed...and I failed miserably.  Henceforth, I overdress unless it is discussed prior.  I had a lovely blue silk shirt and some flow-y pants, matched with flat shoes.  SIDEBAR:  I am wearing heels from now on.  I can't help I drank enough milk as a kid.  This fool showed up in an olive green knitted t-shit.  It didn't have a front pocket or a clever saying, not that that would have made it acceptable, but I would have been at least amused.  He also wore jeans, and even in my flat shoes, I was taller.  FAIL.  5'11 my ass.  We went to Pappadeaux.  He gets no points for creativity.  NONE.  Goose egg for him.  However, I ran 11 miles, let me  rephrase that, I was dragged 11 miles that morning.  I would have eaten a snapping lobster out of the tank with my bare hands at that point.  

I got blackened Mahi Mahi with dirty rice (the smaller portion).  He gets stuffed shrimp of which he eats with his hands.  There is a fork and knife nearby, but hell, it's a first date, pretend you are eating chicken wings, what do I care?  He talked about work, I nodded.  We order dessert (I burned 5,000 calories, stop judging me), and he talks about work.  I check my watch, he talks about work.  Then he goes, "are you ready to go?"  I'll be damned if the ceiling didn't open at that very moment and church music started to play.  I snap to and he walks me to my car.  I say thank you, hug, and scene!  

Stay Tuned for a new date story...

The End.

Friday, January 23, 2015

It's Always Something

Once upon a time, I started to get a cold.  I am super mad about this because I got the flu shot.  To top things off, I told all the people at work who are sick that I was invincible.   This was probably my downfall.  So what the heck?  Well there are a couple of reasons how this could have happened.

1) the flu shot is b.s.
2) my gaybor infected me
3) sick people come to work
4) I ran out of my multivitamins 3 days ago...and here we are.

I really hate being sick.  I hate that I am always out of the good tissue my mom gets me.  It's the one with lotion.  Yes...I too thought, it wouldn't make a difference.  But, it does.  If you have to blow your nose 1 million times, the lotion makes it tolerable.  I am always out of chicken soup.  ALWAYS.  Why don't I stock up on this?  Because when I get better, I don't need soup and I think, well I am all better.  Ta da. I am also out of out of the over the counter medicine or it is expired.  I just found some ZICAM that expired in 2012.  Really?  I could have sworn I had some Dayquil or something, but no.

It gets worse.  TRAGEDY I go to the fridge to get something to drink and my foot is wet.  I am like hmmm.  What did I spill?  But it looks like a moat around the front of my fridge.  Well the damn freezer is not working.  How do I know?  Well the Popsicle are dripping, the food is half thawed and I am swearing up a storm.  I am literally a few hundred dollars from being totally out of debt.

I call my gaybor, the funny one, and he was like you can't refreeze that stuff or you will  basically die.  So now I have to cook a massive amount of food.  For starters, 3 chicken breasts, and like 24 veggie sausages, shrimp, spinach and green beans.


NOW, I have to look for a new fridge.  Luckily the freezer is the part not working.  I went through several envelopes of money and well I have about half of what I need in cash.  I am just mad.

It's always something.  I mean, why couldn't the freezer break AFTER my bonus comes?  That would be too easy!

Like I said, it's always something...

The End.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

A Little Reflection...

Once upon a time...they say, some years are better than others.  I don't know who says that, but I know I've heard it.  The saying is rather accurate for me.  This year started off alright, not great, but all right.  I started a new job, I booked a trip to the Dominican Republic, I had a break up, and those were the highlights.  My motivation is blah.  

Work is work.  Being in the HR field has taught me that, I hate people.  I told my co-worker that.  It is gratifying to help someone and see that you made a difference.  However, I would say most of the time, I am sitting in my office in disbelief because people are ridiculous.  Several people were written up for conduct, or as I like say, "acting a fool."  In what world, does cussing out your boss seem like a good idea?  Some days, I get home and I am out of words.  I have used all the words in that day for me.  I get home and I need an hour for decompression.  I used to ask my dad what he did all day.  He used to say, "I listen to people's problems all day long."  Well I am my father's daughter...

The Dominican was lovely.  I went with Hollywood.  In her, I will always have a travel buddy.  We went deep sea fishing and although I credit myself as having an iron stomach, I was hurling off the side of the boat. I burned my hands and I am not sure I even had to pee the entire day.  I did really like jumping off a cliff into a cave of cold water on an excursion and riding in a dune buggy through a muddy path.  The food was well...terrible.  My stomach was glad to return to the states, which was an emergency trip to Whataburger straight from the airport.    

The break-up was frustrating for a variety of reasons.  Relationships have swells, that go up and down.  However, sometimes I find myself in the same relationship each time.  I guess they call that a pattern.  The last 2 relationships ended at Starbucks.  I think that will remain my "go to" place.  I never felt like I wasn't clear from the start, but as they say, the honeymoon period wears off and reality sets in.  I think the greatest disappointment was that is was just fine with this guy.   I mean, I crafted my words carefully, I had a few main points and I got them all out.  The response was astonishing, it was, "yup, you're right."  As soon as that was said, I was kicking myself for not doing it 6 months earlier, when my gut told me to.  I think sometimes you hang on because of the fear of starting over.  My mom always said, when you find the right one, it won't be work.  I am wondering when that day will come, if at all.   

I have hope of course.  But this next time better bring something to the damn table.  

Naturally, writing about dating should be enticing to my followers in the new year.  I hope to eat some Chilean sea bass, 86 the asparagus...

The End.