Spinster for life?

Once upon a time, this was supposed to be a good year for me.  The year before the big one.  No, not 40!  Relax Frances!!!  I mean 35.  All things come together at 35 right?  Well I have 7 months to get it together or my life might officially end. Miss Fashionista has all ready called me this week inquiring if I was hanging from the ceiling fan.

So naturally my mind resorts to how I am a spinster.  This generally happens when I come back from a wedding.  (I've only been to both hands and feet amount of weddings)  The last one was my cousin, Mr. All-American.  I think he is 27.  Then there was 3.  So my brother isn't married (nor can I imagine him being married), and then I have one more unmarried cousin, and lastly me.

So here it is:

Definition of SPINSTER (according to Merriam-Webster)

1: a woman whose occupation is to spin

2 a archaic : an unmarried woman of gentle family b : an unmarried woman and especially one past the common age for marrying

3: a woman who seems unlikely to marry 

oh and in case you are cool and hip like myself, here is the other definition provided by the Urban Dictionary.

  

Definition of SPINSTER (according to Urban Dictionary) - there were several, I just picked the first one.

1: Old unmarried woman. Not necessarily a virgin.

I guess I like the term spinster better than old maid, because those remind me of playing cards.  

Well I am about to show you why through the wonderful world of on-line dating.  I started sending these to a friend of mine with captions, and she seemed to get a real kick of it.  So might as well pass it on.

I have blocked their face to protect the (alleged) innocent.  So here is bachelor #1.  

Bachelor #1

Let's review.  Is fluorescent wife beater tank tops the new norm?  Not unless it is circa 1990. Perhaps it is to show off the gun show?  Did he just throw the peace sign?  It's not the Beatles peace sign, but you get the idea.  Don't worry, his kids are over 18 and I think he has a job.  I get a little concerned when men who are close in age with me have a kid that's 20, and they are 34-35.  Do the math.

Here is bachelor #2.  

Bachelor #2

Last time I checked, I wasn't starring in a role in Tombstone.  SIDEBAR - Bill Paxton should have died faster on that pool table.  This is like a serious handle bar mustache, and it's a self portrait and it's in the kitchen, which I guess is better than the bathroom.  You know what I am talking about.  Really guys?  Can you not have someone, a neighbor, your mother, anyone, take a decent picture before hitting on women online? 

Hers is bachelor #3:

Bachelor #3

 First the picture is crooked with a clearly forced smile and most importantly, HE IS IN THE BATHROOM with the same shower curtain in the movie Psycho.  I mean it.  One hand a camera phone, the other hand a machete!  SIDEBAR - Machete don't text.   I also can't quite tell if that is a loofah in the background.  If it is, he is out (among other reasons) because he USES a LOOFAH.  Get a bar of soap, be a man, and get on with it. 

Here is bachelor #4.

Bachelor #4

 This is the last one, I promise.  Along with the bathroom photos, comes the I am in my car, aren't I cool photos?  This one worries me and I will tell you why.  He is 19.  So he graduated high school LAST year.  Why is he sending me a message?  I am basically Mrs. Robinson to him.  SIDEBAR - what's sad is that he has no idea what that reference means.  He does however remember the Power Rangers (which I don't).  He can't buy me an extra dirty martini, or can he rent a car if I am not mistaken.  What will we have in common?  He was born in 1993!!!  I was dreaming about my learner's permit at that point.  

The morale of this story is, it's tough out there.  I bet you had no idea.  

The End.

Tales of the Unemployed...

 Once upon a time, I woke up at like 7:45 AM not because I wanted to, but because some stupid car alarm was going off.  I was hoping that it would stop.  It did, but only temporarily.  Then it kept going off.  So I tried to dream about getting a baseball bat to smash the windows and drive it onto the freeway in a high speed chase so you could watch me on the news.  But... instead I decided to get up.  I was honestly happy it wasn't the lawn crew.  I mean why do they have to start at 8AM for crying out loud.  Oh I know, because it is a million degrees here.  I have some pretty big plans today.  I figure I will have to put some clothes on and head to the store.  You see I am out of toilet paper, and I am pretty sure that the check out person doesn't want me to show up in a sports bra and some knit shorts.  Although if it is a guy check out person, he might not mind so much.  BUT, before I do that, I have to watch Dallas.  It was taped last night and I have to leave it because that will give me something to do the next day.  I have to be very strategic about how to fill my day.  I want to know why Ann is so upset about this necklace that Harris gave her.  What the heck?  I have also decided I probably need to give myself some projects around the house to do, like spring cleaning but only I will deem it summer cleaning.  Surly there is some crap I need to get rid of around here.  My desk looks like a bomb went off and I have about 9 pairs of flip flops at the bottom of the steps.

I do actually have some social activities going on later.  I am to meet the Miss Italian Accountant's pseudo boyfriend from Denver.  He is also Italian which is totally unfair. 

I mean I realize that there will never come a day when I have a tan.  More freckles perhaps, but never a tan.  That doesn't mean that I don't  like men with olive skin and no acne.  If they cook me lasagna on our first date, I will marry him that day. 

Back to the Miss Italian Accountant.  This dude's name is something like John, but they call him by a nickname, because his last name is like Modoalfredosauce or something like that in Italian.  He is worried as he should be, because I will have to be hard on him to make sure he is worthy of my friend Miss Italian Accountant.  He does like t-shirts though, so that is a plus for him.  I mean who doesn't?  I mean if he also loves sandwiches, I might have to throw in the towel and like him.

So today I started a project, my bedroom.  It was time to clean out the end tables and the dresser.  So I start with the end tables, well I found about 10 books I have to read now.  After that, I moved on to the dresser.  NEWSFLASH:  I have about 10 pairs of the yoga pants.  Perhaps I need a job as a yoga instructor because I clearly have enough yoga pants.  The only problem is that I sometimes wonder how come my feet are so far away when stretching.  I know they are long, but I am not very flexible.  Miss MovieStar is though.  But that is a whole other story that is rather R-rated, and she will probably take out my knee caps if I blogged about it.

So after thinning out the yoga pants collection, I moved to the jewelry.  I bet I spent a good 30 minutes on my bedroom floor untangling 2 necklaces.  I mean hey, when you have some time in your day, why not?  All my necklaces are hanging by category, like beads, silver necklaces, pearls and so on.       

So then my doorbell rings, and I literally have the face of terror. 

Part of me is just hoping it is a door to door salesman trying to get me to switch to Green Energy.  So luckily I had put my Everlast shirt on.  It has cut off sleeves and it looks like I am about to either beat someone up or head to the boxing gym, but I realize, it's better than only a sports bra.  So I answer the door, and to my surprise it is a giant arrangement of flowers.

I don't care what some crazy women say about not wanting to get flowers.  I am not that girl.  I love flowers, I love getting them, sending them and it will never get old.  Plus, these have GIANT lilies which are my favorite.  They came from dear Austin friends.  It was really a nice surprise.  Perhaps I will get dressed today!