Once upon a time, I
thought I was 21 again. It started one Sunday, let me rephrase, Super
bowl Sunday. I woke up in a good mood thinking about queso and
chips. I was excited to see the half time show because I am a material
girl and this is a material world. Who doesn't love Madonna? So I
woke up thinking about what fabulous t-shirt I would be wearing since I knew my
friend the Bar maiden would be working. I feel like I am cheating on her
when I wear a clever t-shirt. I can hear her in my head say, "Diana,
you need to look nice, what if you meet someone new?" Well if I meet
someone new, it would be first, a miracle, and second they should love me for
my magnificent sense of humor. So naturally I put on my Chris Farley,
"I live in a van down by the river" shirt. Awesome.
So I head over to the
Tiger's house, since he is having the Super bowl party. I go a little
early because for starters he asked me to help. But the real reason is
that he has the attention span of a goldfish. Ooooh a castle….10 seconds later….ooooh
a castle. You get it. So I arrive and the first thing he says is,
"I think we need more Velveeta." I freaking knew it. I
knew I would be sent to the store. Now mind you, the day prior, we went
to run errands for the party. This was the Tiger's first trip to the
Dollar Store. It must be nice to roll deep with wads of cash bulging out
of your pockets. The benefit is that I can usually get a new Pez
dispenser out of the deal if I help. The Dollar Store is a staple in my
life because I live on an actual budget and that store has 2 categories,
according to my gaybors. "Things to eat off of" and
"Things to wipe your ass with" I will also like to
add "Aisle O' Candy" It has an excellent candy section which
will include Pez. The Tiger was in that aisle the longest. Besides
the errands, he needs someone to keep him on task. He has also recently
learned about "the list." If you make a list, you know what you
need. It seems to make sense to me, and I of course, love to add items to
his list, and then he finds them days later. They include items like
lube, tampons, mint chocolate chip ice cream. Basically stuff that I find
amusing or stuff that I want him to buy for me.
Back to the story at
hand. So I went to the store to get 2 things. (since the Tiger
hadn't even showered yet) Velveeta and Excedrin. So I wandered around
looking everywhere for Velveeta because no grocery store puts it in the same
place. Then there is NO Excedrin. I am like what the heck? So
then I learn that there was a recall. So I mention this to the Tiger, and
he goes, oh yea. Ugh. He could have clued me in! So I come
back and he starts cooking chili, and I proceed to have a beer, then 2 more
beers. All is good, the gaybors arrive and we eat some Mexican dip and it
is so awesome. So I proceed to have a few more beers during the first
quarter. I am starting to feel pretty good. I have a nice little
buzz going. We are all laughing and having a good time. The Tiger
is swearing like a sailor and my poor mother is twitching. She can handle
the F-bomb, but you have to know that this is a scene out of Good Fellas.
The Tiger is similar to Joe Pesci.
I can imagine him
yelling about the shine box to my mother. My mother is viewed as an
innocent, delicate little flower. I mean she isn't compared to
Martha Steward and June Cleaver for nothing. So his friend arrives with
her 2 friends. His friend is clearly a professional drinker. She is
drinking something in a cup with ice. That is like a mystery drink and
probably stronger than a beer. So people start to leave. The
Gaybors head to a movie because they don't give a crap about football. So
there is only a few of us left. So around midnight or later, heck I don't
know, we decide shots would be a great idea. At this point, it is always
a good idea. So several shots later, I have reached beyond my
limit. I decide to do my magic trick and disappear to go to pass out.
The next morning…
Where am I? I
am thirsty. It's dark. Oh shit, do I have to go to
work?
Well I was awake and
I was certainly close to death. Picture Bradley Cooper in the
hangover. Remember his bloodshot eyes? Well, I looked exactly like
that, I only I wasn't waking up in Vegas with a missing friend, I was looking
at myself in the mirror.
SIDEBAR - I am
calling in sick if I ever feel this bad again. Mark my words! I go
to work because how I feel after a power night of drinking is my fault.
What I have learned is that I am not 21, not even close, and that I am never
going to work again if I feel as bad as I did that day.
I arrived at work
(how- I don't know.) I got there, and the look I got from Miss Silky Hair
and the Flamenco dancer was a look of true horror. They knew. They
could look in my red, bloodshot eyes. I went back to the break room to
get coffee. I sat there, took one sip. Miss Silky Hair bought me 2
Rockstar Recoveries. I went back to my desk to stare aimlessly at my
computer screen. The coffee went cold. People started to panic
around me. The day I can't drink a cup of coffee, is almost like the
apocalypse has begun.
So if things couldn't
get worse, I was super nauseated. I mean, I thought an alien was going to
spring out of my stomach like in Alien. Instead, I calmly walked to the
bathroom and hurled my ever loving guts out. I thought, surly I will feel
better now. But just an hour later, the same feeling came back around and
I had to hurl AGAIN!
SIDEBAR: the
actual title to this picture is "woman in her 30's with a
hangover" I thought it was rather appropriate
I decided that
I was never drinking again. Then, after wanting to die for several hours,
Miss Booty Shaker took me to get a greasy burger to save me. I went ahead
and ordered the cheese fries. Why not? It could have been my last
meal.
The day drug on as I
knew it would. There was a moment where I even shut my office door and
closed my eyes. Just for second. My luck, and it's always my luck,
the second I shut my door, is when someone knocks on it. I mean, my door
is almost NEVER closed and the minute it is, some idiot wants something.
It makes me absolutely crazy.
So finally I leave to
go home, and I crawl into the fetal position on the couch with my laptop.
It was time to order a pizza and cheezy bread. I mean, why the heck
not? My stomach was still needing some comfort and I needed someone to
deliver this to me.
Then I went to
bed. I am pretty sure it was like 8PM, but what the heck? I was
tired!
The End.
