A story about wedding gifts…

Guys have it easy.  This is the perk of being a guy.  You just show up on your lady's arm and make her look good.  

I  have been to a little over 879 weddings so I have a system.  I NEVER VEER from the registry.  They put that together so you won’t get them stupid crap they don’t need from a garage sale. 

This genius list is in TIERS.  Fancy huh? 

Tier 4 – Cash money/gift cards to store on their registry – Just think of it as good fellas, get a card, put some money it.  You don’t have time to shop, and no bride and groom are going to turn down money or gift cards.  This is the half ass approach and you are too busy traveling and having a good life. [You aren’t a jerk – you got them something]  However, if you think $25.00 makes you look cheap, getting a gift can always be cheaper depending on what you get, plus people like opening presents… (SIDEBAR: I LOVE OPENING PRESENTS!!  So go ahead and surprise me) See Tier 3.

Tier 3 – Bathroom Supplies – $25.00 and below.  This gift is reserved for a wedding that you don’t really want to go, or you don’t like the bride or groom all that much, but you found out there is an open bar.  Perhaps some of your fun friends are going.  You don’t want to spend too much money, so you get them, a tooth brush holder, soap dish and like 2 wash clothes.  Don’t exceed $25.00.  [This works perfectly if they are registered at Target]

Tier 2 – Kitchen Supplies - $25.00 - $50.00.  This gift is reserved to people you used to like but aren’t in your friend squad or Top 5.  You will probably catch up with people and have a decent time, and naturally, there should be an open bar.  [This works perfectly if they are registered at Pottery Barn or Williams Sonoma – I once bought an ice cream scoop and napkin rings, didn’t exceed 25.00 and called it a day, plus I still received a thank you note in the mail]

Tier 1 – Bedding and Towels - $50.00 - $100.00+  This gift is reserved for people who are 1) your family or 2) your friend squad or Top 5.  The money doesn’t matter as much  because you actually like these people and are happy for them and are not taking bets while in the chapel on a possible future divorce date…  This is when you pull out the goods and get them big fluffy bath towels or bedding like sheets with 1000 thread count.   [This is where you go to Macy’s or Dillard’s or somewhere good]

Go forth and send that RSVP back. The End.

39 and holding

Once upon a time, I turned 39 this year.  39...

I remember 29, my glory year.  A trip to Vegas with my girlfriends and a great celebration at a Piano bar...my friends wore all black.  Then I finally noticed.  Assholes.  It was memorable.  I also remember clinging to 29.  30 seemed old.  They even had a show, 30-Somethings.  I didn't watch it, but I remember it.  Maybe because I was 9 years old at the time...30 was old...

But alas, 39 might be worse.  I don't want to be 40 or 41 through 49...My 30's were awesome, contrary to what I thought it would be like.  You really find out who you are in your 30's, but with fewer mistakes.  You know what I learned best, the word, "NO!"  No, I am not going to another baby shower (you had one with your first kid - and that is all you get in my book), instead I am sending a gift off the registry.  (SIDEBAR:  Never veer from the registry.)  Don't be that person.  In my 20's, I said, "YES" to everything.
You want to go to happy hour?  Yes.
Do you want to go to a concert when it is 105 degrees outside?  Yes.
Do you want to buy stuff you don't need?  Yes.
Do you want to go to a baby shower? Yes.

I wore my damn self out with Yes.  I couldn't say no.  I wanted to go to everything, see everything and do everything, and I was going to fit it ALL in.

When I look back, it makes me laugh.  Now, I am like nope - I went to happy hour yesterday.  No, it's too damn hot.  No, I don't need new crap.  No, I am sending a gift.  NO, NO, NO.

I know what you are thinking.  This is one bitter chick.  It's not the case.  I consider myself a happy person.  Now, would I like all the stars in my life to align?  Sure, who doesn't?  It never happens that way.  So now, I am in my 30's, my job is great.  Did you hear that?  I am shocked too.  Maybe it is because I am not the youngest, and I am not the oldest, I am in the sweet spot.  I can speak up now. But still not like my dad or anyone else 55 and older.  That will be my next phase.  I can shoot my damn mouth off and if they don't like it, I will up and retire.  55, and I am out!!!  I don't have that luxury just yet.  I don't want to make any career ending moves...My top 5 doesn't believe I will stop working.  I can't wait until they are WRONG!

OK, now to the good part.  At work, we got a new analyst on our account.  Here are the sad and shocking stats:

His nickname is Bambi (given by me)
This is his first job out of college
He lives with his parents
He has no wrinkles or gray hair
He does not get my movie quotes, which is heartbreaking
He can eat ANYTHING and not gain weight.  *more on that later...
He wants to change the world
He likes everyone
He is probably smarter than I was at 23
He was born...gulp...in 1993.  FREAKING 1993.  A tear rolls down my face when I do the math and realize I was 16.  How did this happen?  Literally, I was the youngest in my industry...Not anymore.

Bambi can eat a large cup of ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery, every.damn.night.

He went home for the week and lost weight.  I had to refrain from choking him out...  I am trying to make it to Shark week so I can have a small ice cream.  His day is coming...Just wait until his pants don't fit.  Dress pants aren't cheap my friends...

The morale of this is that I don't want to turn 40.  The End.