Thursday, July 20, 2017

A story about wedding gifts…

Guys have it easy.  This is the perk of being a guy.  You just show up on your lady's arm and make her look good.  

I  have been to a little over 879 weddings so I have a system.  I NEVER VEER from the registry.  They put that together so you won’t get them stupid crap they don’t need from a garage sale. 


This genius list is in TIERS.  Fancy huh? 

Tier 4 – Cash money/gift cards to store on their registry – Just think of it as good fellas, get a card, put some money it.  You don’t have time to shop, and no bride and groom are going to turn down money or gift cards.  This is the half ass approach and you are too busy traveling and having a good life. [You aren’t a jerk – you got them something]  However, if you think $25.00 makes you look cheap, getting a gift can always be cheaper depending on what you get, plus people like opening presents… (SIDEBAR: I LOVE OPENING PRESENTS!!  So go ahead and surprise me) See Tier 3.

Tier 3 – Bathroom Supplies – $25.00 and below.  This gift is reserved for a wedding that you don’t really want to go, or you don’t like the bride or groom all that much, but you found out there is an open bar.  Perhaps some of your fun friends are going.  You don’t want to spend too much money, so you get them, a tooth brush holder, soap dish and like 2 wash clothes.  Don’t exceed $25.00.  [This works perfectly if they are registered at Target]

Tier 2 – Kitchen Supplies - $25.00 - $50.00.  This gift is reserved to people you used to like but aren’t in your friend squad or Top 5.  You will probably catch up with people and have a decent time, and naturally, there should be an open bar.  [This works perfectly if they are registered at Pottery Barn or Williams Sonoma – I once bought an ice cream scoop and napkin rings, didn’t exceed 25.00 and called it a day, plus I still received a thank you note in the mail]

Tier 1 – Bedding and Towels - $50.00 - $100.00+  This gift is reserved for people who are 1) your family or 2) your friend squad or Top 5.  The money doesn’t matter as much  because you actually like these people and are happy for them and are not taking bets while in the chapel on a possible future divorce date…  This is when you pull out the goods and get them big fluffy bath towels or bedding like sheets with 1000 thread count.   [This is where you go to Macy’s or Dillard’s or somewhere good]





Go forth and send that RSVP back. The End.

39 and holding

Once upon a time, I turned 39 this year.  39...

I remember 29, my glory year.  A trip to Vegas with my girlfriends and a great celebration at a Piano bar...my friends wore all black.  Then I finally noticed.  Assholes.  It was memorable.  I also remember clinging to 29.  30 seemed old.  They even had a show, 30-Somethings.  I didn't watch it, but I remember it.  Maybe because I was 9 years old at the time...30 was old...


But alas, 39 might be worse.  I don't want to be 40 or 41 through 49...My 30's were awesome, contrary to what I thought it would be like.  You really find out who you are in your 30's, but with fewer mistakes.  You know what I learned best, the word, "NO!"  No, I am not going to another baby shower (you had one with your first kid - and that is all you get in my book), instead I am sending a gift off the registry.  (SIDEBAR:  Never veer from the registry.)  Don't be that person.  In my 20's, I said, "YES" to everything.
You want to go to happy hour?  Yes.
Do you want to go to a concert when it is 105 degrees outside?  Yes.
Do you want to buy stuff you don't need?  Yes.
Do you want to go to a baby shower? Yes.

I wore my damn self out with Yes.  I couldn't say no.  I wanted to go to everything, see everything and do everything, and I was going to fit it ALL in.

When I look back, it makes me laugh.  Now, I am like nope - I went to happy hour yesterday.  No, it's too damn hot.  No, I don't need new crap.  No, I am sending a gift.  NO, NO, NO.

I know what you are thinking.  This is one bitter chick.  It's not the case.  I consider myself a happy person.  Now, would I like all the stars in my life to align?  Sure, who doesn't?  It never happens that way.  So now, I am in my 30's, my job is great.  Did you hear that?  I am shocked too.  Maybe it is because I am not the youngest, and I am not the oldest, I am in the sweet spot.  I can speak up now. But still not like my dad or anyone else 55 and older.  That will be my next phase.  I can shoot my damn mouth off and if they don't like it, I will up and retire.  55, and I am out!!!  I don't have that luxury just yet.  I don't want to make any career ending moves...My top 5 doesn't believe I will stop working.  I can't wait until they are WRONG!

OK, now to the good part.  At work, we got a new analyst on our account.  Here are the sad and shocking stats:

His nickname is Bambi (given by me)
This is his first job out of college
He lives with his parents
He has no wrinkles or gray hair
He does not get my movie quotes, which is heartbreaking
He can eat ANYTHING and not gain weight.  *more on that later...
He wants to change the world
He likes everyone
He is probably smarter than I was at 23
He was born...gulp...in 1993.  FREAKING 1993.  A tear rolls down my face when I do the math and realize I was 16.  How did this happen?  Literally, I was the youngest in my industry...Not anymore.

Bambi can eat a large cup of ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery, every.damn.night.


He went home for the week and lost weight.  I had to refrain from choking him out...  I am trying to make it to Shark week so I can have a small ice cream.  His day is coming...Just wait until his pants don't fit.  Dress pants aren't cheap my friends...

The morale of this is that I don't want to turn 40.  The End.


Tuesday, March 7, 2017

2016 in Review (I was busy!)

Once upon a time, I guess I had a busy 2016.  So this is the dating recap edition.  Consider it like the show Entertainment Tonight - is that even on?

So...I gave up dating FOREVER or for most of the year of 2016.  I completely got off all dating websites.  I did go on a couple dates in the spring of 2016, in St. Louis as a matter of fact, but naturally, I found the guy who didn't have it together.  Are you surprised?  You shouldn't be!  I have a trackers beam for that...Prior to our date - his car didn't start.  Honestly, I am a girl that believes in the cup being half full, but that day may soon be coming to an end.  Instead of thinking oh, I am sure it's just a dead battery...I SHOULD be thinking, cancel this freaking date - RED FLAG!!!  As I say that, 2017 is a new year and well although I had a long break, I figured if I don't try, I shouldn't be complaining.  SIDEBAR - but seriously, can a girl get some recommendations from her friends?

So I read up on some dating sites and honestly, I feel like I may have tried them all.  Some of you may think - well it's you.  WRONG - as Donald Trump would say!  Dating is a numbers game plain and simple...or you can settle.  Here is a short recap of my opinion on dating sites:

Christian Mingle: If you want to find a man here, you better be living at a church or at least attending services on Wednesdays, Fridays and twice on Sundays.  I believe in GOD, and I am not weird.

EHarmony:  This website is just hard to navigate or it was last time I looked at it.  I did meet the Stage 5 Clinger on here, and that was about it.  I do know 2 other people who found their soulmates on this site, so it works for some.

POF (Plenty of Fish):  I went through a phase of not paying for stuff and wound up here.  I met someone, who in my opinion, wasted 1 year and 7 months of my life.  He couldn't hold down a job, he had no savings plan, and he tried to take my spirit.  Thank goodness for self-esteem.

OK Cupid:  I met a guy here too - he was a hipster that lived in Dallas.  He took me on an awesome first date and this place that overlooked the city.  Man, I was so excited.  He dressed nice, had something to say.  Then, he cooked me dinner in his 1 bedroom apartment...and I then got the whole story...He can stay and gentrify that area without me.

Match.com: I have tried this a couple times.  I always get the weird guy.  I went to Plano for a date at Seasons 52, before knowing this guy looked nothing like his picture, was in his 50's, and this restaurant is for card-carrying AARP members.  Oh and he was late and drank bud light.  I did learn some valuable lessons on this one - I am not driving past Grapevine.  I am not driving in a monsoon past Grapevine.  If you are 15 minutes late - I am just walking out.  I am not waiting.  I am leaving.  I don't care if this makes me a bitch.  My time is valuable and I could be spending it with people I like.

Bumble: So I read about this one from @crazyjewishmom on Instagram.  This crazy mom is always trying to set up her daughter and get her to have kids.  So the hook is that you match with some dudes, and you can swipe right or left.  Then the woman makes contact and then you can go from there.  Listen - I can only ask so many questions.  I am a strong, independent woman, but at the same time old fashioned in that I would like the guy to ask me to go out.  Is that so hard to ask?  I mean, I am daring and would most likely say yes.  I mean I don't have to marry anyone after one date unless I am on a reality show...Wait, I should probably be on a reality show...

Hater: So my lovely Italian friend found this one in a twitter article and said I should try it, and you know I was like yep - I am on it.  The premise is to swipe on what you hate vs what you like.  You match with people by a percentage.  It is like finding love by having in common what you hate.  I am pretty sure my soulmate hates: crocs, the word M---- (you know I don't even like to write it), sitting on the same side of the booth at a restaurant, mornings, and those are just a few...My friend is convinced this will be my happily ever after.

So basically the only ones I have left are OUR TIME, which might work out since I am currently working in Florida in God's waiting room.  I mean I could Anna Nicole it and find a rich man with a yacht!  There is JDate, which is for people who are Jewish and I am not.  There is Zoosk, which I don't really know much about....

Well that is your recap.  Enjoy!

The End.