Spinster for life?

Once upon a time, this was supposed to be a good year for me.  The year before the big one.  No, not 40!  Relax Frances!!!  I mean 35.  All things come together at 35 right?  Well I have 7 months to get it together or my life might officially end. Miss Fashionista has all ready called me this week inquiring if I was hanging from the ceiling fan.

So naturally my mind resorts to how I am a spinster.  This generally happens when I come back from a wedding.  (I've only been to both hands and feet amount of weddings)  The last one was my cousin, Mr. All-American.  I think he is 27.  Then there was 3.  So my brother isn't married (nor can I imagine him being married), and then I have one more unmarried cousin, and lastly me.

So here it is:

Definition of SPINSTER (according to Merriam-Webster)

1: a woman whose occupation is to spin

2 a archaic : an unmarried woman of gentle family b : an unmarried woman and especially one past the common age for marrying

3: a woman who seems unlikely to marry 

oh and in case you are cool and hip like myself, here is the other definition provided by the Urban Dictionary.

  

Definition of SPINSTER (according to Urban Dictionary) - there were several, I just picked the first one.

1: Old unmarried woman. Not necessarily a virgin.

I guess I like the term spinster better than old maid, because those remind me of playing cards.  

Well I am about to show you why through the wonderful world of on-line dating.  I started sending these to a friend of mine with captions, and she seemed to get a real kick of it.  So might as well pass it on.

I have blocked their face to protect the (alleged) innocent.  So here is bachelor #1.  

Bachelor #1

Let's review.  Is fluorescent wife beater tank tops the new norm?  Not unless it is circa 1990. Perhaps it is to show off the gun show?  Did he just throw the peace sign?  It's not the Beatles peace sign, but you get the idea.  Don't worry, his kids are over 18 and I think he has a job.  I get a little concerned when men who are close in age with me have a kid that's 20, and they are 34-35.  Do the math.

Here is bachelor #2.  

Bachelor #2

Last time I checked, I wasn't starring in a role in Tombstone.  SIDEBAR - Bill Paxton should have died faster on that pool table.  This is like a serious handle bar mustache, and it's a self portrait and it's in the kitchen, which I guess is better than the bathroom.  You know what I am talking about.  Really guys?  Can you not have someone, a neighbor, your mother, anyone, take a decent picture before hitting on women online? 

Hers is bachelor #3:

Bachelor #3

 First the picture is crooked with a clearly forced smile and most importantly, HE IS IN THE BATHROOM with the same shower curtain in the movie Psycho.  I mean it.  One hand a camera phone, the other hand a machete!  SIDEBAR - Machete don't text.   I also can't quite tell if that is a loofah in the background.  If it is, he is out (among other reasons) because he USES a LOOFAH.  Get a bar of soap, be a man, and get on with it. 

Here is bachelor #4.

Bachelor #4

 This is the last one, I promise.  Along with the bathroom photos, comes the I am in my car, aren't I cool photos?  This one worries me and I will tell you why.  He is 19.  So he graduated high school LAST year.  Why is he sending me a message?  I am basically Mrs. Robinson to him.  SIDEBAR - what's sad is that he has no idea what that reference means.  He does however remember the Power Rangers (which I don't).  He can't buy me an extra dirty martini, or can he rent a car if I am not mistaken.  What will we have in common?  He was born in 1993!!!  I was dreaming about my learner's permit at that point.  

The morale of this story is, it's tough out there.  I bet you had no idea.  

The End.