Adventures of dating...

Once upon a time, I thought dating would be a good idea. If you read the last blog, you would know that it's been quite a struggle. Don't worry, there is more.

THE BUTCHER

Once upon a time, I drove to this scary, psycho part of town. I arrived at the Thai place. The Butcher showed up right after me. He gave me a hug and told me I smelled good. I told him that I shower from time to time. Then we went in the restaurant, and it was very nice and small and not scary inside. He brought 3 bottles of wine. So at least he is on the same page as me on that one. He brought 2 of the same kind and 1 in case I didn't like the other ones.

At this point, I thought he was thoughtful and charming. He did not wear a ball cap, like one of my previous dates (SIDEBAR - of which he wore right through dinner. Had he been at my mom and dad's house, someone would have yelled at him).

So we chit chatted, and he told me that he was married for a year and half and that his wife moved to be near her mom because of cancer. Ironically, on his profile, he said he had not been married. (this will become an important detail later in my story.) He offered to move her down and I guess things did not pan out. No kids... Good. He said he was a chef, and loved to throw dinner parties. He could also make Sushi, which I found to be awesome. He likes independent smart woman. Here, here!!! He said he was not clingy and wants his own space sometimes.

In the past, I dated a shorter man, Mr. Klingon. He was a stage 5 clinger. Always rubbing my arm and touching me. I mean good grief, I am not a baby lamb. Sheesh.

The Butcher said he was a morning person (boo and hiss).

We got some food, and he picked out some good stuff, and then I picked one thing. We got this coconut soup (his choice) and he said make it a number 2 on spiciness. I got (pineapple rice) and said make it a 1 on the spicy scale. Miss Hollywood told me to get MILD. She knows that I can't handle the spice. It was SO FREAKING hot. I though my lips were going to burst into flames. He said it was very warm, and much warmer than usual. At one point, my eyes were tearing. He says to me, "little hot huh?" No my eyes are tearing for the hell of it!

Then the question of death for a spinster. He asked me why in the world I wasn't married. Classic. So I told him I hadn't found the right guy and I wasn't settling. He said he did, and wished he hadn't. So then he paid. Bonus. The night ended and he told me to call him when I arrived home. Safety precaution. So far....he was in my dating queue.

The Second, and LAST DATE with the Butcher

Once upon a time in a land called Diana's Life, I had a second date with THE BUTCHER. (Music from Psycho plays here).

So The Butcher texts me Friday and wants to check my schedule availability.

"How is Sunday?" - Butcher
"Fine" - Diana
"I will make you a honey butter pecan glazed Chilean sea bass"- Butcher

"I caught you a delicious bass"- Napolean Dynomite
"Are you going to eat those tots?" - Napolean Dynomite

OK, so Sunday rolls around and I figure he will tell me when this shin dig is going down. So around like 5, he calls. Really? 5? OK, so he says, I will begin prepping dinner at 7, and we can eat at 7:30pm. I am like OK. I decide to bring a bottle of wine as a nice gesture, and I don't know how much sea bass costs, but I am nice like that.

So he gives me his address. (and I inform my people where I am going) I want to know that my friends are aware of the birthmark on my inner right calf. I also want to know I was missing when I am found floating in Lake Lewisville. So I drive to BFE, There were kids on the street, IN THE DARK. Clink, clink. That is the doors locking in case you were wondering.

So I get there. I knock on the door. And he enters, get ready, wearing gray SWEATPANTS, and I am pretty sure the white polo he wore on our Thursday date. Last time checked sweatpants didn't come until 6 months down the road, you have the flu, and needing to be rushed to the hospital. Clearly not the SECOND date. Good grief. Miss Fashionista would have just fainted, or turned around got in her car and left. (Next time, I will.)

PAY ATTENTION HERE!!!

So remember, when I told you that on his profile he marked that he was never married. And then at the Thai place he said, well I was married for 1 1/2 years. I was like OK. I am sure there is a good reason for keeping that to yourself. Benefit of the doubt. UNTIL....he is living in her house. Yep. The x-wife's house. Go figure.

He THEN tells me, he has a 19 year old daughter. WHAT!!!???!!! I said, "You are kidding, right?" WRONG. He said, well I got my high school sweetheart pregnant, we had a daughter and put her up for adoption, but it was an open adoption and I recently just met her.

Now mind you, I had a very long conversation with him on the last date, of how I didn't want to date a guy with kids. I am not a hater, I just prefer to start my own.

So I figure, I might as well go for the TRI-FECTA. So I ask, have you been to jail? He says, WHICH TIME? Are you kidding me?

Well now that I have the ball rolling, let's just keep going...

Don't worry, I also told him about my great dislike for ASPARAGUS. He decides to cook that. Awesome. I said, "hey buddy, I don't like asparagus." He looks at me like this is the first time he has heard this. I said, "hey, I will try it, but I don't like it." I had one top, and then that was it. Now mind you all this prepped food is ready at 9:00pm!!!! I almost was dizzy from starving to death.

It gets better...

He has a roommate (that he also failed to mention - according to our first date, he owned a house by himself, or at least that is the impression I had), the roommate is some dude he has been friend's with since high school.

He has a good dog and an evil pit bull puppy that jumped on me every 5 seconds, until I made a face of the dog needs to be outside or trained.

In polite conversation, I mentioned washing my car and saving the cash, which prompted, "I don't save money, I buy new toys when I want, I am not really good at saving money." RED ALERT, RED ALERT. ABORT MISSION.

Then on our first date, he gives me a speech about being passionate. So I figure OK, your passionate about cooking, what are you doing about it to get to your goal (ala the bed and breakfast). Nothing. He has no goals. No cooking school experience. He learned everything from "EXPERIMENTING" So he ISN'T a chef, he just likes to cook. LIKE MY MOM. And my mom is a killer awesome cook. I have the cookbook to prove it. So I said, "well have you thought about learning more about it?" His reply, "No. I might take a nutrition class." Oh fabulous, then you will be the best chef in THE WORLD!!!

He said, well my bed and breakfast is on hold, because I lost my financial backer. Guess who? THE X-WIFE. Apparently she made 3 times more money. Guess who is not signing up for that? THIS GIRL!!!

So needless to say, I got the WHOLE story, thanked him for dinner, and went running and screaming out of the house. No, not really. I left. I texted, I made it home OK. THE END.

So I know you guys think I am nit picky and this is why I don't have a man. But the one thing that bothered me the most is he lied. He started off lying, and then it just got worse.

Spinster out.