The Cruise Chronicles - Chapter 2 - The Airport

Dear Phantom Readers, I don't know about you, but airports taunt me. I am pretty sure it's only me. So as you know, after I got my nails, I did eventually leave to go to the airport to fly to Miami. My gaybors and I had a sweet hookup, so we got to park in the employee lot. So I hoisted my bag in the shuttle and to what did I notice, a co-workers wife. It was so nice to see her because she is crazy and would always bring me my first beer at the dreaded work Christmas party. I will always be fond of her. So after this little pleasant meeting, I hoisted my bag off the shuttle and made it to the security check in.


Security check in is a beating. Guess what else is a beating? Traveling on Labor day. Everyone and their grandmother is checking their floral bag. So I have to check my bag. I got secret cruise booze in there, and it wasn't just 3 ounces if you get my drift. So then I get charged a lousy $25.00. I can't wait until I am an MBA executive with a fat paying job. Remember when your bags got to fly with you for FREE? So then I get in the line to go through security. Usually they think I am the suspicious one. But I made if safely through the first go round. So we find Mr. Karaoke King, and head out for a sandwich. Little did I know that it is what almost saved my life. So we board the plane and all goes smoothly and we take off. I read a NON school book for the first time in probably a year and enjoyed that it was for pleasure and not a lesson. So we land and everything is working out great. One gaybor says, I will go get the rental car and pick you guys up, you guys get the luggage. I am like sweet. The plans were to go out to South beach and see Kourtney and Kloe Kardashian (well maybe just my plans). So we wait for an eternity and our bags come out and we are skipping out the door. And then I was hit by a wall, a wall of HUMIDITY! HELLO! Its like a MILLION %. I would never have straight hair again if I lived there. See example below:

So we get on the shuttle bus and we don't move. At All. We get our high tech phones out and what happens next. BOMB THREAT! Airport shuts down, we are stranded on a shuttle bus. Of course.

Upon getting back from my trip, I hear that it is a Texas Tech professor. Awesome. I went to Texas Tech. Thanks buddy for having me stranded on a shuttle bus. If I hadn't had that 20 dollar sub before I took off, I would have had to pick which person looked tasty enough to eat, just like that movie in the snow, when they had to eat each other to survive. to be continued...

The Cruise Chronicles - Chapter 1 - the Nail Salon

So this year I planned on going on a cruise with my gaybors and the karaoke king. But prior to leaving, I had to get ready. First I did laundry - what a pain! BUT, I did buy a few new clothes and had to pull the tags off and wash them. You know when you don't, you end up with black fuzzy armpits. I laid these clothes out in the staging room (also known as the guest room and past room of my roommate Mr. Basketball). Then I had to get my mani and pedi. So I arrive at the salon and I get the "new" girl. I am pretty tired from my day and just sit down so the chair can vibrate my butt to whisk away my stress. So Lynn, Ann or June or whatever her name is, sits down and says and I quote, "you married?" WTF!. It's like a painful every time I hear it. And don't worry, every chick in there has asked me the same identical question and so when I get to my regular salon I usually don't have to deal with it, and they probably whisper there goes that single girl. But not this day. So I tell her no, and that is why I can travel the world, because at that moment, that was the coolest thing I could thing off. If she had then said, "but you so pretty" she would have gotten a ninja kick in the face. So then my toes are done, sadly with no offer of a flower, and she starts my nails, "you want American manicure?, it look so natural." If I wanted natural, I wouldn't freaking be here. I want tropical orange because I am going to the tropics. I want color because that is the point of getting your freaking nails done, because if I did them myself I will have painted half way to my elbow! Then she asks me if I wanted my nails shorter, hell no lady! It is rare that I can even grow them this crazy long length. Paint them like they are! I mean who wants short nails? So then I go to the drying area and as soon as I did the down pour of rain began. Perfect. So now I have crazy long orange nails and an afro!

to be continued...