Why I hate flying!

Once upon a time, I went to Asheville, NC. It just so happens I had to fly to Charlotte because driving would have taken a lifetime. I am not a world traveler, nor do I have a kick ass job that requires me to travel to awesome and exotic places. HOWEVER, I always have to sit next to the weirdest people.

Example A. I naturally select the seat in the aisle because I have long legs and I must pop my right knee every so often. This is due to being a runner. If this doesn't happen to you then, you haven't run for 10 years. And if it does pop, you haven't run for 10 years, you are still an advanced runner. Anyways, so I find my seat and an Indian gentleman is sitting next to the window. Not a Cherokee Indian, a person from India is what I mean. Although sitting next to a dude with an awesome feather headdress would have been way more awesome. So this person from India has a red dot on his head and everything. Insert stereotype. I sit down and immediately he is on the phone speaking in another language that is not English or French, the only 2 languages I can translate. I put my bag under my seat, and then I smell the worst musty old man, rotting old spice mixed with musty mothballs of death cologne in my life. And then a headache ensues. So I sit and read my book, and he falls asleep. I bet you are thinking on me. Close. But NO! But he is snoring like a freight train. Awesome. So then the drink lady or flight attendant starts down the aisle. And so I get my standard ginger ale.

SIDEBAR. Canada Dry is SHITTY ginger ale. It has no punch or karate chop at the end. It's crap. The airline should only stock Vernor's Ginger Ale. Period.

Now, the India guy orders hot tea. I am like, OK. So then the SLURPING takes place. Slurp, slurp, slurp...PAUSE...slurp, slurp. Good grief, are you kidding me? This guy is making me nuts. I just want to judo chop him to pass out. And if this wasn't enough he is wiggling his right leg, which is making my leg wiggle, so now I am crushed up against my seat just to get away from him. EWE!

And then we land and I am free.

A few more stipulations.
1) No reclining in my lap. I hate that. I hate that it is even available. I have no room as it is.
2) No crying children. Yes, I get that their ears are popping. Give them some cheerios.
3) No people reading the newspaper in my lap

The End.