The Nightmare of Dating...

Once upon a time, matchmaking services were offered to me. I accepted. Little Miss Liar decided she was going to find me the man of my dreams by all means necessary. I, being the adventurous type, decided that this would be a good idea. I told Little Miss Liar that I would accept any advice, go out with anyone she chose (based on my strict criteria) and would explore all suggested avenues.

So first, she sent me to a dating service. She signed me up online while I drove us back from a business trip. I had no idea what she put and who this company was, but Oprah liked it. So naturally, Little Miss Liar went out of town and I got a phone call. So Little Miss Liar promptly made me call her back and sent me over. I met with the craziest lady on the planet. It was 2 hours of my life I will never get back. She was unprofessional, she asked personal questions, (yea, those questions). I am like, hello, who the hell are you? I am not going to tell you anything about that. Then I had to watch a cheesy 80's dating film with a complete cast of freakshow people in it. Don't worry, she continued to tell me about how she broke all the rules, but she met her mate. So she asked me 100 questions about myself, but then told me her answer to all the same questions. I was worn out. Then I am like, hit me with the price. I am tired, hungry, and I am pretty sure this lady was either on drugs, or stuck her finger in the electric socket to do her hair that morning. She was a cross between a mental patient and a mad scientist.

So guess what it cost? $7,500!!! Can you believe that? Who in their right mind pays that? Apparently some guys, because then she whipped out the professional pictures they take! All part of the inexpensive price of $7,500.00. I am sorry but I had a glamour shot when I was 12, and I promise I would use that before forking over that kind of money. Plus my glamour shots were like $99.00 and I looked FABULOUS! I had 2 lbs of make up on and giant hair. I looked like a grown up. So of course she got the price down to $4,500.00 as a deal to me, but naturally she needed it up front. Don't worry, only 4% of the people meet their mate in the first year. So get ready for the 3 year long commitment. I would rather take $4,500.00 and head to Europe and find a mate with an ancient and the need for a greencard!!! Preferably an Italian, who could cook lasagna and who would hand me wads of cash to go shopping with. The more he look like Olivier Martinez, the better. Where did all the real men go?

Maybe I am looking for a unicorn...a great guy that doesn't really exist...

More than an hour!

This is DFW

Once upon a time on a Tuesday morning, all hell broke loose. First, I woke up for cycling. It was a good thing I did, because I checked my flight before I walked out the door. Much to my surprise, the flight was at 8:25am and not 9:25am. So I left and headed to cycling. The second song, Very Sarcastic Valorie played was "Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson. It's like she knew I was coming to cycling. I thought to myself, what a lovely day. Not to mention the view in front of me was the super hot guy in all black, Johnny Muscles Cash. Who minds getting up earlier when that is the view in front of you? Bravo to your butt and muscle arms. I commend you! And I will sit behind you thinking that in my head, very silently.

So I sweat a little and then leave. I have to take a shower and go to the airport. So I shower, get ready, throw on some fabulous blue eye shadow, and head out. I have the park in the non-covered parking lot. It is always full. I am not thrilled, but what are you going to do? I am not driving around for 20 minutes. I go in, and hit the check point. It has the longest line in the history of the world. I thought I was standing in line for the Ferris Wheel at the Texas State Fair. I was like, uh-oh. So I text Miss Silky Hair, and she hadn't made it through and the lady in front of her was a bitch. So in the mist of me waiting in line. I meet a fabulous New Yorker. It's like yankees and me have an unspoken connection. We pick each other out because we know we are bad ass. So Leigh, and I talk and decide we are doomed to miss the flight. We get there and our flight left without us! Can you believe that? I even asked Miss Silky Hair to hold the plane, like in the movies. Apparently they told her no. Well this morning was not turning out like the movie in my head!!!

Needless to say, I missed the flight. Unbelievable. I have never in my life missed a flight. I pride myself on being punctual. If you aren't sure about that ask, Miss Mom 4. I went to college with her and she can attest to my dinner time being at 5:00pm, on the dot.

So Leigh and I head to the T.G.I.Fridays to eat breakfast. She missed the same flight. I mean what the heck? I am all ready stuck there waiting for the next flight. It's only a mere 2 hours away. Plus, I live for breakfast. That is one thing you must know by now. So after our lovely breakfast and my saving grace cup of coffee, we head to the gate.

I whip out my laptop. I must say that I am quite sure the people around me probably thought I was a powerful executive. I mean I have a laptop with wirless! I can work anywhere. I don't. But the point is that I could! I am sure these other people traveling to Midland surely thought I was running a big company. They might have been admiring my fabulous blue eye shadow, but they probably were thinking they should ask for my business card. Either way, I look important. One time my dad told me a story about how he was so annoyed with everyone talking on their cell phone in the airport, that he held his phone to his ear and started yelling, "SELL, SELL, SELL!!!" Apparently people turned around. He was just annoyed because everyone was talking so loud. I actually thought about doing that, only to prove the point that I could be working on Wall Street selling stocks. I doubt the Midland travelers would believe it, but it is possible.

So FINALLY, I get on the plane. Then a giant businessman in a suit sits next to me. I bust out my Harry Potter book - DON'T JUDGE ME! I didn't read them when they were popular, but now Miss Hollywood has them all and I am borrowing them one at a time. So this dude next to me is totally having a free show of my boobs. I know it. I can't help that it will be 90 degrees in Midland and I have a lovely blouse on. Read your damn newspaper!

So finally I arrive and have to get my rental car. Don't worry, I am a priority member, which means throw me the keys as I walk by, while those other non preferred member schmucks wait in line! I get a KIA. I don't care for KIA because my ninja warehouse manager told me it stood for "Killed In Action" So I am always thinking that a giant army truck is going to steam roll me on a highway when the aliens attack. So far, it hasn't happened. The KIA wasn't bad. It was new and smelled new. So I go to the Plant, and naturally Miss Silky Hair is about to chew off the new cashier's arm. So I just happen to make it in time for lunch. SCORE!

The End.